June-Bug

I was up half the night thinking again. I think I've decided to simply put my information out there on websites for adoptees and birth parents trying to find one another - that way if she decides she wants to know me then it'll be easier for her to find me.

I've cried so many tears over the years for her - I look at her photo now and think "WOW! This is the young woman I've worried about, shed so many tears over the years! I've had many sleepless night over her and so many arguments over with a few people - this is the young woman that caused all that in my life for 19 years.. 19 long years!" - And she appears to be worth all my pain for all these years. If she's happy that she has a life - then my life, my suffering, has been worth it. 

I don't want to disturb her, scare her or offend her or her family. I know what she looks like now -- I know she appears very happy, healthy, safe and well off (generally speaking). She's all I hoped she's be and more - that makes me happy, proud! I feel I did do the right thing for her.

With me, she would have grown up in poverty and a hard life - this way she didn't have to endure that with me and she stands a much better chance of being successful in her life - she looks as if she's already started a successful life. That's what I want for her - success, love, good health and happiness -- I hope I gave all that to her with the adoption.

As for me, I think I'll watch her from a distance... I know I'll never have the chance to hug her - nor will I ever have the chance to be her parental mother -- but as her birth mother I can say "that's my daughter, she's made me proud."

This is so hard for me - I just want to hug her, talk to her but it's best I stay away - at least longer - IDK maybe forever. She's forever in my heart and mind... no matter what she's my daughter. She was born June 25th 1999 - I've always called her my Little June-Bug - she will always be that to me.